Life Is So IISD

The Hug of Acceptance.

Mae called me Mina, but that was not my name.

Sitting in the middle of the room, Mae clapped her hands after I was done practicing playing violin. I smiled, not because of happiness, but because it was my duty. At least, that was probably what Mina would do if she were here.

That was great, Mina Mae said, giving me more praising.

But I know those were not for me. Those were for Mina.

My name is Aree. If you cannot remember it, I wouldnt blame you. Mae never called me by my name since that happened.

I closed my bedroom door, and put the violin case down on a table. The room smelled like it was filled with lavender. Lavender was Minas favorite flower, and that was why we wanted her room to smell like one. Sitting on a chair, I stared at the girl inside the mirror.

That girl had short black hair. Her hair was as black as a night sky without stars. That was also the color of her eyes.

I look so much like her, indeed I said to myself. Then I realized that it was such a stupid expression. Mina and I were twins, how could we not look alike?

However, excluding the looks, we were totally different. Mina was extrovert and confident. She was more of a leader. For me, I was introvert, shy, and always-followed Mina. I tried to be different from Mina by growing my hair very long, but that did not work as I thought.

Since our Por had left us when we were five years old, Mina and I were the only things that Mae had left. But to me, I felt like Mina was the only one that Mae wanted to have.

I could have sworn that Mae sounded happier when she talked to Mina, because she would always bring her good news. When she was five, Mina was a class president. When she was in a middle school, she won a first place in violin solo competition. When she was in a high school, she was a leader for girl basketball team.

I tried so hard to be as good as her, but Mae had never aware of that.

Mina, you really are my daughter!

Aree, you know what Mina did today?

Guess what? Mina just won another certificate!

Mina Mina Mina.

I did not think that Mae could survive a day without saying that name. However, Minas successful could not be continued in college. It was the car accident that took away her life, and took away Maes heart. Her world fell apart. I could hear a painful scream of sadness from her room every single night. Eventually, Mae stopped crying. The night that she stopped crying was the night that I would never forget.

Now I was a sophomore in college. The college that I studied was not too far away from my house. Well, Mae needed someone to take care of her. After I was done from college, I would be home with a big smile, just like Mina used to do when she was alive. During these three months, it was summer break so I did not need to go to college. Mae wanted me to stay with her all summer.

From my room, looking through a window, and I could see a little hill with a big tree. The tree was so big that you must be blind not to notice it. It is as tall as a two-story house. Mina and I used to hang out there almost everyday. It was a nice place, really. Nevertheless, I had not been there for a long time. I was too busy studying. Somehow, I felt like there was something inside me calling for it.

I took a glance at my schedule. Not busy.

Maybe a little break, like reading under the tree, might be nice too.

The sound of silence was the best for reading, and the winds blowing were so nice. I felt so comfortable sitting there and reading The Shining by Stephen King. Mae should not find out that I read this kind of novel, because she knew that Mina would have never read anything like one.

Thats an interesting book you read there A little tiny voice came from behind me. I was so surprised, not because I was thinking that I was alone, but because it sounded so familiar. It sounded like Minas.

I turned around and suddenly I dropped my book. Mina was standing in front of me! Mina? My voice sounded somewhat half frightened, half excited. That woman stared at me, puzzled. Then she started giggling. I guess you must be mistaken. And Im sorry if I scared you. She said, picking up the novel book that I dropped. Anyway, nice to meet you. She handed the book to me. After I took it from her, she offered me a handshake. I realized that her hair was brown, not black. It was brown like dark coffee. But other than that, she looked so much like Mina.

Nice to meet you, too. Im sorry about what I just did. Its just that

Its just that I looked so much like Mina? She asked. Her eyes were wide opened.

Yes. Wait you know Mina? She giggled. Then I realized that after seeing my reaction, it was obvious that I mistook her for Mina, even though she did not know who Mina was. The woman took a few steps closer and then sat next to me. I could sense her perfume, which smelled like lavender.

My name is Em, what is yours? She asked. I felt so weird, since she looked so much like Mina that it was like I was introducing myself to my twin. How come she looked so much like me, anyway?

My name is Aree. I told her. And then everything was blurry. There was silence between two of us. Tears running down through my cheeks after that sentence came out of my mouth.

After that day, I went to read at the hill more often. I like the way she talked, as though I was her sister. Today, I did the same thing that I had been doing for the past week. Sitting under the tree with Misery by Stephen King in my hands, I was waiting to see Em again.

Em and I became a really good friend. On the first day that we met, she was surprised to see me cry. Nevertheless, she did not ask me anything. I told her how I missed my sister, how she looked so much like her, and she understood. Before we parted, I asked her how could we meet again. Em gave me a big smile that I could see the shiny of her tiny, perfectly even rows of teeth.

Just come to this place, and we will meet here.

And here I was, sitting under the tree, waiting for Em. Today I also brought the violin with me because we had a talk about me practicing violin last time. I did not tell Mae about this, though, since it would be real bad if Mae think of Em as a Mina and then started going crazy. The only one who should be sacrificed for her happiness was I and not the others.

After all, this was what a good daughter should do, right?

Suddenly everything went dark. I could not see a thing. Someone was putting his hands on my eyes from behind.

Guess who? Asked a little tiny voice that I had been hearing for the past week.

Good afternoon, Em. I replied, with a sarcastic tone of voice. Em then put her hands down.

Youre no fun! Maybe next time I have to bring a voice changing machine with me or something.

Oh, get real. Em sat next to me, looking at me with her closed-mouth grin.

Arent you going to introduce me to any friends of yours? She asked.

You are the only friend I have right now I kept on reading the book. Em eyes were wide opened with surprise. No kidding. How come?

Nice question. How come I did not have any friends in college? I had heard people in college called me a dolls face. Not because of my beauty, but because I had never smiled not even once. Somehow, I forgot how to smile as Aree, and all I could do was my sisters smile. That, of course, must be at home, in front of Mae.

I think I can be true me, when Im with you I answered her question. It was sad answered, sounded like another sad teenager in a TV drama.

Em did say no more. There was only her smile, and a sound of wind.

So whats with the violin? Em asked after a long awkward pause. She was going to pick it up but then she looked at me as to ask if it was okay for her to touch it. I nodded, so she picked it up and take a look at it carefully as if it was a priceless treasure.

There is a name Mina on it. This isnt yours?

I shook my head. Its Minas. My sister was a great violinist.

Em handed the violin to me. I brought it with me today because I want you to hear me playing it.

If you dont mind, of course. I added, could not hide an excitement.

Em gave me a big smile. That would be nice! Go ahead, my friend.

I bowed to her, as if I was on a big concert. Then after I took the violin out of the case, I started playing it. I could say that I had never played violin as good as this time before. I did not know how long had it been, maybe I did not even care. All I knew was that I had to do my best to impress Em.

After the last note was played, there was a paused. Em started clapping her hands. Bravo! You really are talented.

Its just that I practice often. Thats all. I said, putting the violin back into its case. And that makes me know that you lied to me.

I was shocked by what she said. Turning my head away from the case, I was looking at her, puzzled.

That wasnt true you at all. I held my breath; feeling like something stabbed right through my heart.

You dont like violin. Am I right? Em said, holding my hands. I did not say a word. I could not say anything. Em still stared at me with eyes filled with sympathy.

Ill see you tomorrow then.

Then she walked away.

Where have you been, Mina? I have been looking for you, luk. Mae asked. Her face was filled with curiosity, for I had never been anywhere without telling her.

I was just gone to read at the hill over there. Its nice to be outside sometime. I did not know whether she would believe my story or not. Then I realized that she was staring at Minas violin.

Did you take that out with you? Asked Mae, and I knew that she expected a no for the answer. Minas violin was the second thing on Maes love-the-most list. The first, of course, was Mina.

No, I did not. I just wanted to clean it. I replied, adding a smile. She was still looking at me. My heart was beating so fast like a drum rolling.

Okay then. Dinner is ready. You might want to have it before it gets cold.

Thanks you, Mae. I love you. After she closed my door, I let out a loud sigh.

Thanks God, she did not suspect anything. Or did she?

After dinner, I excused myself to be in my room. We usually had a little talk after dinner, but not today.

You dont like violin. Am I right?

The sentence echoed in my head, while I was staring at the violin. Em was right. I did not like violin. Well, when your mother forced you to do something, you really had no choice.

It has to be somewhere Murmuring to myself, I decided to look for something all over my room. And there it was, deep down in my third drawer, my harmonica. Its case still had my name on it.

I opened its case and took the little, metallic red harmonica out. It reminded me of the first day that I got it. Mina gave me this as a birthday present. My hand was tightened, holding the instrument, I pictured myself playing harmonica in front of Em. Then I started playing it, hoping Mae could not hear. She would probably have a heart attack if she found out that her precious Mina was playing this kind of instrument.

On the next day, I did not bring my book with me. Instead, I brought the harmonica. I swore to myself, I would show Em my true self today. Today was a little different than the other. Usually I was the one who had to wait for Em, but today she was already there.

I wonder what youve got to show me today. She asked me, while she was sitting down next to the tree. I ran up to sit next to her and show her my instrument.

A harmonica! And thats your name on the case! I smiled, then taking the harmonica out of its case. I told Em that I got this harmonica from Mina. Weird. She looked at me as if she already knew about that.

I havent played it for a while, so pardon me if Im not very good at it, alright? I told her, however she insisted me on playing it. Saying that it did not matter, as long as it was what I like to do.

While I was playing, I was surprised, feeling so free like a bird flying in a big sky. The longer I played, the merrier I felt. Just like a girl playing with her doll, I was so enjoying myself, unaware that Em was there.

Now thats what Im talking about. True you! Em said, clapping her hands. I gave her a big smile. Did I really just do that? Did I really smile?

Thanks so much, Em!! I I have never been happy like this before. I hope we can see each other forever. I dont know why, but you remind me of my sister, and that makes me be able to become myself again! I could not hide my excitement and expected that Em would reply me with a big smile like she always did.

She did smile, but it was a sad closed-mouth smile.

That is impossible, Aree. I did not understand. My face asked her why, and she let out a sigh before she answered.

The only person who will be with you forever is you, yourself, Aree. Not me. Not Mae. Not Mina. She said, looking into my eyes. You cannot make people accept you by pretending to be someone else. Who will accept you, if you dont even accept yourself?

I was stunned. How came she could say things like that? As if she knew everything. You dont have to sacrifice yourself, ok?

Em touched my hair softly as she saying the last sentence.

I went back to my house and sneaked back into my room, making least noise as possible. However, there was something stopped me from closing my rooms door.

Whats that in your hand? It was Mae. I could feel anger in her voice, and her eyes were filled with furious, staring at my harmonica. Before I could react, she grabbed it from my hand.

This is Arees crap! I told you not to play it!

Mae then put the harmonica in her pocket. I knew that I would never get to see it again. Everything that destroyed Minas image must be destroyed. She grabbed me by my wrist, and put Minas violin in my other hand.

Follow me, lady! You skipped a violin lesson today.

How long did I have to be like this? How long did I have to pretend to be someone else and not me?

Not anymore.

What? What is wrong, Mina? Come on! Mae turned to me and shouted at me, after she realized that I resisted her.

Ive had enough, Mae!! I said, shaking her out. Mae was shocked, for I had never acted like this before. Never. This was not one of the things that her perfect Mina would do to her.

Look at me! I am not Mina! I am Aree. Can you say that name, please? Or have you forgotten it? Have you forgotten that you have another daughter? Have you forgotten that Aree is one of your daughters too? I could feel my hand tightened. It hurt, but I did not care. Wake up mom! Just admit it. Mina is dead! She is dead! She has been dead for two years! What I said turned Mae into a mannequin. She was astonished. Her mouth was wide opened, but nothing came out of it. I glanced at the violin in my hand.

And I had never liked to play violin. After I finished that sentence, I threw the violin to the floor. Its case was broken. The violin flew off its case, shattering into pieces. There was a long paused, then follow by Maes loud scream.

Please, Mae. I cannot do this anymore.

The last thing I saw was Mae collecting all the violins parts, holding them in her arms. Wait! Where do you think you are going? Her voice came from behind, but that did not stop me from running to the hill.

To tell you the truth, I had never felt so relieved like this before in my life. The pictures of that night came into my head. The night that Mae stopped crying, the night that I did the most stupidest thing, the night that started everything.

That night, I was looking at the mirror, thinking what Mina could have done if she were here. Suddenly the door was opened. It was Mae, standing at the door. Those were scissors in her hand. Mina cannot die. She said, walking toward me. I could not move. It was like my body was tightened to the chair. All I could do was sitting there, staring at the mirror, praying she would not have gone crazy and hurt me. I could hear a sound of my hair being cut. That sound gave me a chill to my spine. It took her about 10 minutes, the longest 10 minutes in my life, before I could hear she put down the scissors. And there it was my reflection on the mirror. My hair was short, as short as Mina. As a matter of fact, I thought Mae wanted it to be exactly just like Minas.

Maes action had just explained everything. If Mina was the only one who could make Mae happy, then there would be no reason for me, Aree, to exist, right?

Starting from that night, I became Mina.

And that was the night Mae stopped crying.

Eventually, I reached the hill. By that time it was raining. And there she was, Em was standing there, waiting for me. She did not get wet at all. However, I was not surprised.

Mina. Its you, right? I asked her. She nodded.

Im proud of you, nong. She said, patting my head. That did it. Em was Mina all along. That was why she looked so much like me.

I could not go to heaven, after what happened to you that night. I love you so much that I want you to be happy. You dont have to be like me. You have your strength Aree, but you just too shy to show it. As she was talking to me, her hair was also turning from brown to black. My heart was beating so fast, when I knew the truth.

It took me two years to come here and help you. I hope youre not mad at Mae.

No, I dont. I still love her. And you too! But Mae probably hate me now. I have nowhere to go. I expected her to hug me, but Mina smiled to me instead.

I could notice that her body was getting clearer and clearer. It was like she was going to fade away.

Just wait and see. Mom might used to be blind. But Im sure she had seen your true self. With that, and Mina faded away in the air. Leaving me behind with the rain. I stood there; looking up into the sky, wondering that would what she said was true. And then there was a voice that I was familiar with. It was Maes voice.

There you are. She said. I did not turn to look at her. Mae put something in my hand that I could feel a coldness of metal.

It was my harmonica.

Im sorry, Aree.

That sentence took my breath away. I turned to Mae, and burst into tears. All I knew was that we were in each others arms. Despite the coldness from the rain, it was the warmest hug ever. The warmed hug of acceptance that I had been waiting for all my life.